Recursos para personas que están ayudando a niños enfrentando el divorcio

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Inside Scoop: A Conversation with Writer Bradd Bowden and Director Josh Feinman

This week we get a twofer: writer of What now? Bradd Bowden, and his childhood friend, producer of Front Seat Chronicles, Josh Feinman, who also directed this week’s episode.

So let me start with you, Bradd.  One of the things I appreciate about this series is that it started out by friends reaching out to friends to share stories and resources that are familiar, and supportive.   How did you come up with the concept about two brothers trying to find affordable, long-term care for an ailing parent?

Bradd: About a year and a half ago, well after Alzheimer’s Disease took away my father’s mind, I really began to process his absence. In a Front Seat Chronicles type of moment, albeit by phone some 3,000 miles away. Josh suggested that I write about my experience.

Josh, from growing up with Bradd in New York, when you read his piece, listened to the dialogue, can you describe the various ways the story resonated with you?

Josh: My parents cared for my grandmother for many years. It was very hard, very emotional and took a lot of time. But they did it because we loved her and she deserved it. I’m not sure what advice to give because I think you are never really prepared no matter what you plan.

Since so much of this is based on a real life story, what do you guys think people miss or are ill-prepared for when it comes to taking care of our parents?

Bradd: The idea to plan ahead for taking care of elderly or infirm loved ones is crucial and very easy to conceive. What’s tough, and I think what some people are most ill-prepared for, is that it’s not an easy topic to discuss. We all handle difficult moments differently.

Josh: Good Question. Make every minute count. I know it sounds cliche’ and it’s probably not realistic. When someone is gone forever all you’ll want is more time with them. Little kids don’t realize that so parents have to. Life is short (again cliche’). If you can afford life insurance get that too.

I’ve known Josh for a number of years now.  And it’s always special to work on stories with your friends. What about, you two?  After all these years – familiar emotional and physical territory – what do you take away most for this project?

Bradd: To the end of days I’ll have a great admiration for Josh. He is so passionate about his beliefs and has an insane work ethic. What I take away most from Front Seat Chronicles is how special all these relationships are, be them that of brothers, lovers, or friends.

Josh: Bradd and I grew up with a bunch of guys from the neighborhood. Each one of us is a character in a script waiting to be written. Of all those guys and all the memories, Bradd is by far the most interesting when it comes to character. I think Bradd and I are just getting started. Looking forward to telling more stories with him.

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Episode 8: What Now?

Carl and Connor’s father is dealing with Dementia, but there is no longer a bed for him at the hospital. What will they do now?

Director: Josh Feinman
Writer: Bradd Bowden
“Carl”: Ivan Basso
“Connor”: Tony Collins

Read more about the episode in this interview with Writer Bradd Bowden and Director Josh Feinman.

Resources for people who are dealing with a family member with Dementia

Care, housing, medical expenses, money… there are many elements to worry about when a family member is ill with Dementia. Luckily there are resources that can help you take care of the basics, so you can focus on the important stuff – spending all the time you have left with your relative.

Eldercare Locator is a site that helps you find local senior services like short- or long-term care, financial resources, in-home service providers, food and nutrition programs, and more. You can also call 1.800.677.1116 and Eldercare will connect you to your local Area Agency on Aging.

If like Carl and Connor, you’re worried about housing for an ill parent, there are various resources you can consider, like homecare, hiring in-home help, adult day services, hiring a care manager,

Emotional Resources

Practical Advice

And lots more resources for senior citizens!

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Episode 7: What Am I Supposed to Do?

After being unemployed for a year, James, a veteran of the Iraq War, decides to take action… that negatively affects his relationship with his girlfriend Stacy.

Writer/Director: Elle Travis
“James”: Eduardo Ortiz
“Stacy”: Lony’e Perrine

Read more about the episode in this interview with Writer/Director Elle Travis.

Resources for veterans who are unemployed

At one point, the unemployment rate for veterans was even grimmer than the unemployment rate for the general population. Most upsetting, as of November 2011 the unemployment rate for young veterans was 30%! However, it looks like things are looking up for unemployed vets. Recently President Barack Obama called for a new program that would put veterans to work rebuilding roads, trails, and levees on public land. A recent report also showed that the overall unemployment rate for veterans has dropped in the past year.

And there are a number of resources that aim to help unemployed veterans find jobs, including the Gold Card – a card that provides post-9/11 vets with extra support as they transition out of the military. Once you’ve downloaded your Veteran Gold Card, you can get six months of personalized case management, assessments, and counseling at about 3,000 One-Stop Career Centers around the country.

Also, JP Morgan Chase and many other leading U.S. companies have launched the 100,000 Jobs Mission that has a goal of hiring 100,000 transitioning service members and military veterans by 2020. So far 6,606 veterans have been hired through this campaign.

Job Sites for Veterans

Starting Own Business as a Veteran

Other Resources

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Inside Scoop: A Conversation with Writer/Director Elle Travis

This week we continue the inside scoop with actor, producer, writer and director – Elle Travis – in conversation with Producer Allen Sowelle.

Let me say off the top, it’s great to have you as a contributing artist for Front Seat Chronicles. For our readers, what led to your involvement?

Thank you. Nepotism… plus the idea that this piece and series as a whole will help our community.

You chose to focus on the alarming rate of unemployment among US Veterans, neatly wrapped up within a love story, was that always you’re intention?

My intention was to tell a great story first. As a filmmaker I loved the limitations from the concept of the series, two people just having a conversation in a still car. Because of this the narrative had to be saturated with subtext along with the text it’s the perfect fusion as a writer and director.

What kind of research did you do on the topic?

It’s a very personal account of a close family member and the idea came from their heart breaking experience. I watched as these two people who are very much in love get torn apart by economics, a poignant universal theme our generation is experiencing right now. Our soldiers are coming home with the promise that the education they’ve paid for with literally their blood, sweat and tears, will secure a worthy career upon their return. Instead, all of these highly qualified heroes are being forced to either take work they are over qualified for, or go back over seas as private citizens hence breaking up their private lives once again. It’s a terrible waste. Once The Public Internet Channel okayed the story, I spoke with other veterans, watched reports and read stories of our troops similar humbling accounts.

Out of the numerous actors you saw during pre-production, how did you go about selecting Lony’e and Eduardo?

We were blessed with a near perfect casting session in that all of the actors that auditioned were talented enough to be the tellers of this chronicle. However when Lonye Perrine and Eduardo Ortiz came in together there was not only an undeniable chemistry between them, each of them were so engaging I got lost in their moment. Eduardo was sympathetic is his portrayal of what could have seemed like a heartless cold character. He gave James a depth that was important since we only had a moment to establish who he was. And Lony’e, instead of taking the obvious rout of making Stacy a victim played her as strong woman of today. You could see her heart on the screen, hopeful, pained, breaking and then resolute. I’m touched by the humanity both talents brought to their roles.

Now some viewers may not make the connection, but you were also the female lead in the very first episode of Front Seat Chronicles. A first – going from actor to writer-director. Was there anything you learned from acting in the first episode that informed on your preparation for this?

The episode I acted in was the very first Front Seat Chronicles to be shot. Looking at all of the episodes I feel that Allen Sowelle did a remarkable job establishing the series in that single day. Being an actor versus director on set is a very different mindset for me. As the actor I’m only responsible for being my part in a bigger sum of what’s being told. In this case it was very easy to let the very talented Allen Sowelle take charge as my director in guiding us to where the story needed to go. He had a clear idea for the episode and I only hope I delivered what he needed. Perhaps what I gained most is clarity of the concept Allen Sowelle, Josh Feinman & Mohammed Bilal created, so when prepping for my shoot I fashioned my shots from that vision. And perhaps because I knew what the confines were it gave me creative license to push a bit more within those lines.

What is your hope that people take away from this episode?

This rough phase in our economy has created tremendous isolation in our communities. Hopefully in watching this episode and all of the Front Seat Chronicle episodes our audience feels connected and in that, a sense that they are not alone in this challenging time.

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Episode 6: Salvation Released

When Sharon is released from jail, she tries to pull herself and her partner Terry away from their old bad habits. Will she succeed?

Writer/Director: Nikol Hasler
“Sharon”: Brandice Brenning
“Terry”: Stefan Rollins

Read more about the episode in this interview with Writer/Director Nikol Hasler.

Resources for people who have been convicted of a crime and/or struggle with addiction

While meth addiction is touched on in this episode, there are other deep issues that are explored – including the discrimination people who have been convicted of a crime face when they exit incarceration. Finding employment with a record, avoiding the people and places that will trigger a relapse, and proving to society at large that they are dedicated to improving their lives are all difficulties they face.

But there are resources that can help:

Other important information:

Join this forum to talk with others who are looking for employment opportunities for felons.

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Inside Scoop: A conversation with Writer/Director Nikol Hasler

Photo courtesy of Josh MacLeod

 

Days before the premiere of her, what has been described as, gritty episode Salvation Released, executive producer Allen Sowelle reached out to writer and director Nikol Hasler.

 

So hey Nikol, first, how did you become involved with FSC? And second, how did you arrive at this topic?

I had the pleasure of being employed by One Economy when the project was green lit. In those earlier days, when we were conceptualizing scripts, I had an idea for one about a young man being released from prison and trying to return to his life without returning to the things in his life that landed him in prison. As I was writing, I realized that my authenticity would be best used if I wrote about what I knew instead. Having grown up poor, in the Midwest, these characters are very true to the people I used to run with.

We often hear that crystal meth is a poor man’s cocaine. But there is something far more insidious about this particular drug, isn’t there?

It’s easy to make meth. It’s inexpensive. And it keeps you high for a long time.

But there is also something inherently different about the person who finds themselves addicted to meth than the person who uses cocaine. The willing acceptance of the rapid physical effects of meth, the ease of the lifestyle of isolation, and the need for the drug are not commonly seen in people with resources, money, and education.

 

What would you suggest to someone who might find themselves in Sharon’s situation?

It was important to me to show the deepness of the love that the Sharon and Terry have for each other, and I needed to show that it is two sided. Sharon isn’t wrong to love him, and the most likely outcome in relationships like theirs is that they will continue to enable each other, use drugs together, and end up back in jail. I could say that they’ll die from it, but for the sake of honesty, I need to say that it’s highly unlikely. But there are worse things than death, specifically the slow disintegration of quality of life that goes hand in hand with addictions.

People who find themselves in the situation of leaving a jail or prison to return to their community should be sure that they put a support network in place before they are released. That’s easier said than done, and all to often jail is just a natural part of life. Unless people somehow become aware not only that their current lives are crap, but also that there is a better life available, they will continue to do what they have always done. What we need to do is find a better way to lead them to that conclusion and support them once they reach out.

Some would say the so-called War on Drugs has only perpetuated drug use in the US. And that in essence it’s been a War on the Poor and the most disenfranchised. What do you think needs to change in the conventional wisdom around drug use?

There’s not enough honesty, and once people find out that they’ve been lied to, they don’t trust anything they hear. Think of the kid who is told that if he has unprotected sex, he’s going to immediately get a girl pregnant or get an STI. Then he does it, and she doesn’t get pregnant, and he doesn’t catch anything. All of a sudden, he’s pretty convinced that adults are full of crap. Well, the government and the media need to be accountable to us when it comes to providing us with accurate, comprehensive drug information.

As a mother of three incredibly bright young boys, what do you communicate to them about avoiding the perils that seem to plague so many kids today in our overly stimulated society?

I don’t talk to my kids. Ever. It’s for the best.

But, if I did, I’d be completely honest with them.

 

It’s been several months since production, how does it feel looking back at these well-crafted performances?

The experience of working with Stefan and Brandice was really inspiring. They were both able to take pieces of themselves, albeit dark or difficult pieces, and bring those forward for these roles. I’ll never forget, during casting, when Stefan came in and absolutely nailed Terry’s character. He was even wearing sweat pants and looking pretty rough. I had this moment where I thought, “Either he’s a really good actor, or this dude is an actual tweaker.” And Brandice, coming from the midwest, was able to understand the small town mentality that leads to the kinds of situations Sharon would find herself in.

 

Anything new you’re working on, that you’re excited about, that we can look forward to?

Right now most of my focus is on finding funding for my documentary, Age Out. The doc is about the process of aging out of the foster care system, and our talented team has put together a solid treatment. Now, we just need to find people who can fund us. Other than that, I’m constantly dreaming up new projects and ideas.

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Inside Scoop: A conversation with Writer/Director Alison Pezanoski-Browne about "Do You Remember"


Series creator Allen Sowelle asked Writer/Director Alison Pezanoski-Browne some questions about Do You Remember.

After watching this episode several times I’m struck by the subtext. How did settle on the topic, and was the subtext intentional or was it something that came out naturally with the performances?
Yes, the subtext was intentional, but it was definitely made richer by the performances of my actors, especially what Edward and Lisamarie were able to convey with their facial expressions alone!

What initially drew me to the topic of Dementia and Alzheimer’s was how they affect memory and connection to the past. Having the person with Dementia remember an event with more accuracy than the person without it was an interesting concept to play with.

I also wanted to explore the subtext inherent in two people with a lot of heavy history between them struggling to communicate with each other when they don’t see or remember things in the same way.  Despite what “Jamie” says, I always pictured that “Ted” was in the early stages of Dementia rather than full-blown Alzheimer’s, meaning he slips in and out of lucidity. I wanted the viewer to question when he was there with Jamie and when he wasn’t. This uncertainty, as well as Jamie’s misinformation about her father’s disease, are meant to convey how confusing it must be for both of them to fully understand what the other is going through.


I’ve often heard Alzheimer’s described as a disease that can emotionally disappear people, what were the challenges you had in writing the script?
Attempting to show that disappearing was difficult, because I felt like it had to come through the performance rather than the words. I relied a lot on Edward’s ability to convey emotional shifts without saying anything. And while I wanted it to be confusing to the viewer, my actors and I had to be clear on which Ted we were dealing with at any given moment – young Ted, remembering Ted, or nearly disappeared Ted.

For Jamie I wanted it to be a heightened emotional place – it’s kind of her in her worst moment where she says all of the self-centered things some caregivers probably think but wouldn’t ever say.  But being a caregiver must be so difficult. You’re dealing with a whole host of emotions, and I wanted to show that and give importance to it – though it’s never okay to yell at someone with Dementia or Alzheimer’s.

It was difficult to explore this without making either of them seem like a villain. I wanted them to be flawed not villainous, which is a hard line to walk. I hope I pulled it off.


In doing your research for the discussion guide was there anything new that you discover about Alzheimer’s, new treatments, diagnosis, and/or how individuals cope with it?
I was shocked and saddened to learn that 70% of caregivers suffer with symptoms of depression. Luckily there seem to be a lot of resources out there to help [LINKTO: Discussion Guide]

I always thought that whether you get Alzheimer’s and dementia was out of your control. There are some factors, like genes, that we can’t change. But there are easy actions you can take towards brain health, like:

  1. Regular exercise
  2. Healthy diet
  3. Mental stimulation
  4. Quality sleep
  5. Stress management
  6. An active social life

It made me realize that I need to take more naps and do more crossword puzzles!

I learned that older adults with strong muscles are at lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease. Also, there was a pilot clinical trial that showed the nicotine patch might improve cognition in older adults with memory loss.


Was there something in particular about a father-daughter relationships as opposed to a mother-son or mother-daughter that influenced the story?
There wasn’t an intentional reason to make it about a father and a daughter, except that a woman I met years ago came to mind when I was writing the script. I remember her telling me that she, her mother, and her brother hated her father so much that all three of them changed their last name so they’d have no connection to him. I’m lucky to have a great relationship with my family, and my father in particular, so this extreme action struck me. I had that woman in mind when I was writing. What if one day she was forced to determine her father’s care? I wanted to write a script about imperfect people with an imperfect relationship who are forced to be in each other’s lives because of illness.

In retrospect, there is something to the fact that traditionally dads are supposed to be our ultimate protectors. What is it like when the tables are turned?


For you, what’s the most important aspect of this episode?  The most important theme or even beat?
Take care of yourself, or you won’t be able to take care of anyone else! Jamie isn’t able to take care of her father because she hasn’t taken care of herself or dealt with her baggage. I see this as the turning point for her where she realizes that blaming her dad and her past aren’t doing her any good. Lisamarie got this immediately, and I think she did an amazing job of showing Jamie’s change. The ultimate point is that self-care as opposed to self-centeredness can actually make you more present for other people.


Are there more FSC episodes to come from you?
I hope so! I’ve written a script that takes on a less intense issue and deals with it in a more humorous way. I’m looking forward to that.

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Episode 5: Do You Remember

Jamie is estranged from her father Ted. But when he is diagnosed with dementia, she is forced to determine his care. How can they rebuild their relationship as Ted is losing himself?

Director/Writer: Alison Pezanoski-Browne
“Jamie”: Lisamarie Harrison
“Ted”: Edward Stiner

Read an interview with “Do You Remember” writer/director Alison Pezanoski-Browne.

Resources for caregivers and people dealing with a family member with Alzheimer’s/Dementia:

Approximately 70% of caregivers suffer from symptoms of depression. And caring for a parent can create a whole set of unique issues, like the awkwardness when roles are reversed or supervising a parent who once took care of you. Luckily there are many resources that can help you take care of yourself while you are also taking care of your relative.

If you are a caregiver, make sure you:

  • Learn as much as you can about your family member’s illness and how to be the best caregiver you can be.
  • Know your limits and communicate them to the doctors, family members, and other people involved. Allow yourself breaks when you need them.
  • Schedule in time to do activities you like. Don’t forget to make some time for exercise, play, laughter, and fun in your life.
  • Accept your feelings. Caregiving can trigger emotions like anger, fear, resentment, guilt, helplessness, and grief. They say: “as long as your emotions don’t compromise the well-being of the care receiver, allow yourself to feel what you feel.”
  • Talk to your support network. Make sure you have people you can talk to you about what you feel, whether they’re friends, family members, or other caregivers in a support group. It’s a great idea to seek out therapy.
  • Let people help you! If someone offers to help you – whether it’s with grocery shopping or errands or in other ways – let them! There’s no need for you to carry the full weight on your own.

Check out Helpguide.org for more advice on taking care of yourself a caregiver.

Other resources that may be helpful include:

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Inside Scoop: A conversation with writer Scott Kassel on "Every Other Weekend"

We reached out to writer Scott Kassel to get the inside scoop on Every Other Weekend.

How did you come to get involved with Front Seat Chronicles? What piqued your interest about the series?

 

When the producers of the series first mentioned the project to me I was immediately intrigued by the simplicity and the power of the concept—two people in a location everyone can relate to, sharing a powerful and transformative moment. Virtually everyone has had their own “front seat chronicle” at some point, and hopefully these pieces will resonate with the viewers.

With practically 50% of all marriages failing in the US, I imagine child custody is a common topic. What drew you to the subject matter?

 

My parents divorced when I was very young, so I have first-hand experience with the topic. Now, as an adult, many of my friends are going through the same thing as parents. More than the failure of a marriage, what interested me most was the fallout of divorce and how it affects parents and children who are going through such a turbulent life experience. I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older that the situation can be just as difficult and painful for parents as it is for children.

In your opinion, what’s the most common mistake separating parents make? (another way of phrasing it – What could parents do differently?)

 

Divorce is difficult enough without a child feeling like they’re caught in the middle of a war between their two heroes. I think one of the most common mistakes parents make is allowing conflict with their estranged spouse to creep into their child’s consciousness. While some conflict may be impossible to hide, I think it’s important that parents present a united front and agree to co-parent in the most effective way possible. By letting their children know that the divorce in no way diminishes their love for them, that they still care for one another, and that none of their marital issues are their children’s fault, parents can help smooth this difficult transition.

What would you suggest for non-custodial father’s to pay attention to in regards to the emotional needs of their child(ren)?

 

Try to be as involved as your child’s life as possible. Frequent phone calls, coming to ballgames, concerts, important events and the like. Looking back, I think my dad did a great job of that when I was growing up and I’d like to give him a big shout out for that! Love you, dad!

Does your familiarity with the subject matter prepare you to be a better father you think? When you become one of course.

 

I think my personal experiences will definitely shape my approach to parenting and relationships in general. I hope to be the kind of father that is involved in every aspect of my children’s lives.

What was it like watching your episode the first time? Any thoughts on the overall process?

 

Seeing your work brought to life is always a great feeling. The actors and director did a great job expressing my ideas in an honest, open way, and they actually created a couple of great moments that I hadn’t even envisioned when I originally wrote the script. Overall, this was a great process and I’m happy to have been a part of it.

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Episode 4: Every Other Weekend

Frank and his son Oscar get used to seeing each other a little less after a divorce. How do they keep their close father-son bond?

Director: Allen Sowelle
Writer: Scott Kassel
“Frank”: Manny Hernandez
“Oscar”: Bailey E. Garcia

Read an interview with “Every Other Weekend” writer Scott Kassell.

Resources for people helping children deal with divorce

 

Ver en Espanol:

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Resources for people helping children deal with divorce

The conversation you have when you tell your child you are divorcing is not to be taken lightly.

PIC.tv Producer Alejandra Okie recently talked to Kelly Brown, a school-based Licensed Professional Counselor, to get advice on how parents can tell their children the news.

Alejandra Okie: How important is it to plan and think through how to have this conversation with your child?

Kelly Brown: You have to remember that telling your child you are getting separated or divorced is only one in a series of events and changes that will have a long-lasting impact on your child’s life. For example, the child may start living in two households, then one or both of their parents may start dating and may remarry, and so on. You want to cooperate as much as possible with your ex-spouse from the very beginning so that your child will have the best chances of adjusting and being happy in the long term. Think of your child’s needs first and try to put your anger toward your spouse aside.

AO: What should the parents do before having this conversation with their children?

KB: The parents should talk about what they plan on saying and not saying to their child when they first break the news. They should make plans for both of them to be present when having this conversation with their child, if possible. Plan on explaining, in general terms, why this is happening. You should also tell your child what will be changing, for example, if a parent is moving out and if the child will be going back and forth from one house to the other. You may need to repeat some of this information later since your child may not take it all in. Give your child a chance to ask questions.

AO: Are there any key messages that parents should provide to their child when breaking the news about the divorce?

KB: Children, especially young children, need to feel safe and that their basic needs will be met. Statements such as, “We will always be your mom and dad” and “We will always love you” are very important to a child in this situation and should be repeated over several days and weeks. They should also be told that it’s not their fault that their parents are divorcing.

AO: Are there certain things that parents should not do or say?

KB: The most important thing is that both parents stay calm and not start pointing fingers or placing blame. You want to show your child that both of you will be working together as parents. This will help reassure your child so he or she feels less anxious.

AO: Are there any books that you recommend for parents?

KB: Yes, there is a great book that I recommend for all of my clients in this situation. It is “Cooperative Parenting and Divorce: A Parent Guide to Effective Co-Parenting.” It includes helpful tips and exercises to put your child first while going through this difficult situation. You can look for it at your public library.

AO: Can you recommend any good books for young children?

KB: My favorite book that I use with elementary age children is Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families. It can help kids talk about their own thoughts and feelings related to divorce.

AO: Thank you so much!

KB: You’re very welcome.

Kelly Brown, M.A., is a school-based licensed professional counselor in North Carolina. She provides individual therapy to students in grades K through 12 and their parents.

Other resources that may be helpful include:

Children deal with a lot of conflicting emotions when their parents are divorcing, and it’s important that the adults in their life help them through the difficult experience.

Heart & Mind: Children & Divorce is a website from Dishon & Block, Divorce and Family Law Experts with a list of excellent activities you can do to help children deal with divorce.

You can try:

  • Drawing pictures – Many children can have difficulty expressing emotions in words. Drawing can make it easier for children to express their emotions in a positive way and helps parents understand how they truly feel. From the drawings you can ask the child specific questions. Why has he or she drawn what they’ve drawn and why? Ask them…
    • What does divorce look like?
    • What does divorce make you feel?
    • To draw pictures of feelings like anger, sadness, or loneliness.
    • To draw a picture of your family, including anyone you feel is part of your family.
    • To draw a picture of the homes you live in.
    • If a genie could grant you one wish related to your family, what would you wish for? Draw a picture of your wish.
  • Conversation starters – After a divorce, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. Some questions to ask:
    • How has your life changed since the divorce?
    • Why do you think people get married?
    • Why do you think people get divorced?
    • What is a happy family like?
    • Who do you talk with about the divorce?
    • Has anything good come from the divorce?
    • What do you worry about?
    • What do you think your life will be like in five years?
    • What good qualities does your dad have? Your mom?
    • If you could change anything about your life, what would you make different?
  • Communicating from a distance – When one of the parents doesn’t live in the same city as their child, it’s important for that parent to maintain strong relationships even from a distance. Here are some suggestions:
    • Email each other often.
    • Start a postcard club. Give some stamped cards to your child, and take turns sending a card each week.
    • Set a specific time for weekly or monthly phone dates. It’ll give you something to look forward to!
    • Create a shared journal that you can write your thoughts and feelings in. Exchange the notebook when you see each other.
    • Create a family web site, and post information and pictures to each other.
    • Skype or use FaceTime (if you have an iPhone or Mac) to talk while seeing each other using video. Or make audio and videotape recordings.

And even more helpful resources:

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Recursos para personas que están ayudando a niños enfrentando el divorcio

Hablar con los hijos sobre el divorcio y darles la noticia de que sus papás se van a divorciar no es nada fácil.

La productora de PIC.tv, Alejandra Okie recientemente habló con Kelly Brown, una Consejera Profesional Certificada que trabaja en las escuelas para pedirle consejos sobre cómo los padres pueden darles las noticias sobre el divorcio a sus hijos.

Alejandra Okie: ¿Qué tan importante es que uno haga un plan sobre cómo tener esta conversación con su hijo?

Kelly Brown: Es importante que tome en cuenta que decirle a su hijo que se van a separar o divorciar es sólo una parte de la serie de eventos y cambios que tendrán un impacto a largo plazo en la vida de su hijo. Por ejemplo, tal vez su hijo va a vivir en dos casas diferentes, y quizás en el futuro su madre o padre tengan una nueva pareja o se casen de nuevo. Es importante que usted coopere con su excónyuge tanto como sea posible desde el principio para que su hijo pueda adaptarse y ser feliz a largo plazo. Antes que nada, piense en las necesidades de su hijo y trate de dejar a un lado sus sentimientos negativos hacia su cónyuge.

AO: ¿Qué deben hacer los padres antes de tener esta conversación con sus hijos?

KB: Los padres deben hablar sobre lo que van a decirle y no decirle a sus hijos cuando les den las noticias. Si es posible, el padre y la madre deben estar presentes cuando hablen con sus hijos por primera vez. Explíquenles, en términos generales, por qué se están divorciando. También explíquenles qué va a cambiar, por ejemplo, si uno de los padres se va a mudar y si sus hijos van a vivir en las dos casas. Tal vez deba repetir algunas cosas después porque es posible que inicialmente sus hijos no sean receptivos. Deje que sus hijos le hagan preguntas.

AO: ¿Hay algunos mensajes clave que los padres deben comunicarles a sus hijos cuando les den las noticias sobre el divorcio?

KB: Los hijos, especialmente los más pequeños, necesitan sentirse seguros y saber que se van a seguir satisfaciendo sus necesidades básicas. Es importante decirles cosas como, “Siempre vamos a ser tu mamá y papá” y “Siempre vamos a quererte”, y repetirlas durante varios días y semanas. Debe decirles que no es su culpa que se están divorciando.

AO: ¿Hay ciertas cosas que los padres deben o no deben decir?

KB: Lo más importante es que los dos padres estén tranquilos y no empiecen a acusar o echarle la culpa a la otra persona. Es importante que le enseñe a sus hijos que ustedes dos van a trabajar juntos como padres de familia. Esto ayudará a tranquilizar a sus hijos para que no se sientan tan ansiosos.

AO: ¿Hay algunos libros que les recomendaría a padres de familia?  

KB: Sí, hay un libro muy bueno que les recomiendo a todos mis clientes en esta situación. Este es el título en inglés: “Cooperative Parenting and Divorce: A Parent Guide to Effective Co-Parenting.” Incluye consejos útiles y ejercicios para asegurarse de que primero piense en sus hijos si se encuentra en esta difícil situación. Lo puede buscar en su biblioteca pública.

AO: ¿Tiene recomendaciones de libros para niños?

KB: Mi libro favorito que uso con niños de escuela primaria es “Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families.” Puede ayudarle a los niños a hablar sobre sus propios pensamientos y sentimientos en relación con el divorcio.

AO: ¡Muchas gracias!

KB: Con mucho gusto.

Kelly Brown, M.A., es una Consejera Profesional Certificada que trabaja en las escuelas en Carolina del Norte. Provee terapia individual a estudiantes de kindergarten al duodécimo grado y sus padres.

Más recursos sobre el divorcio:

Los niños pueden tener emociones contradictorias cuando se están divorciando sus padres y es importante que los adultos en sus vidas les ayuden con esta experiencia difícil.

El sitio web de Heart and Mind: Children and Divorce de Dishon y Block, expertos en divorcio y ley familiar contiene una lista muy útil de actividades para ayudar a niños con padres que se están divorciando.

Usted puede probar lo siguiente:

  • Dibujar – A muchos niños les cuesta trabajo expresar sus emociones con palabras. A través de sus dibujos, los niños pueden expresarse en una forma positiva y ayudar a que sus padres entiendan lo que realmente están sintiendo. Vea los dibujos y hágale  preguntas al niño. ¿Qué dibujo y por qué? Pídale que dibuje lo siguiente:
    • Cómo se ve el divorcio
    • Cómo te hace sentir el divorcio
    • Emociones como enojo, tristeza o soledad
    • Tu familia, incluyendo a cualquier persona que consideres parte de tu familia
    • Los hogares donde vives
    • Si un genio te concediera un deseo relacionado con tu familia, ¿cuál sería tu deseo? Haz un dibujo de tu deseo.
  • Temas para romper el hielo — Después del divorcio, es importante mantener la comunicación abierta. Algunas preguntas que puede hacerle a los niños, incluyen:
    • ¿Cómo ha cambiado tu vida desde que tus padres se divorciaron?
    • ¿Por qué piensas que las parejas se casan?
    • ¿Por qué piensas que las parejas se divorcian?
    • Describe a una familia contenta
    • ¿Con quién hablas sobre el divorcio?
    • ¿Ha surgido algo positivo como resultado del divorcio?
    • ¿Sobre qué te preocupas?
    • ¿Cómo piensas que va a ser tu vida dentro de cinco años?
    • ¿Qué cualidades positivas tiene tu papá? ¿Y tu mamá?
    • Si pudieras cambiar cualquier cosa sobre tu vida, ¿qué cambiarías?
  • Comunicación desde lejos – Cuando uno de los padres no vive en la misma ciudad que sus hijos, es importante que él o ella mantenga una buena relación, aunque sea a distancia.
    • Envíe mensajes de correo electrónico seguido.
    • Empiece una nueva tradición de enviar tarjetas postales. Déle tarjetas con timbres postales a su hijo y túrnense enviándolas por correo cada semana.
    • Fijen una hora para hablar por teléfono cada semana o cada mes. Así los dos pueden disfrutar de ese tiempo especial.
    • Escriban sus pensamientos y sentimientos en un diario compartido. Intercambien el diario cuando se vean.
    • Hagan un sitio web para la familia con información y fotos de usted y de su hijo.
    • Usen Skype o FaceTime (si tienen un iPhone Mac) para hablar y verse usando vídeo. O tomen vídeo o graben audio. Escucharse y verse les ayudará a mantenerse conectados.

Encuentre recursos adicionales sobre el divorcio:

Sitios web útiles con recursos sobre el divorcio